I hope mine doesn't look like that
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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