what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
