somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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