Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
