Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Randomize
