You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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