My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
no you cant smoke seaweed
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
