plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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