Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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