I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
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It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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