Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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