I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Randomize
