One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
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you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
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You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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