i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
