Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
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