why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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