her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
