I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
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