I'm so fucking centered right now
I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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