I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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