I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Randomize
