I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize