I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Randomize
