I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
