my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
