never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
