You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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