My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
