So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Randomize
