Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
