Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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