How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
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