I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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