Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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