I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
