John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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