I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Randomize
