this just has baby written all over it
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
