You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
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and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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