My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
