just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Randomize
