I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
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