Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
