My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
