You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
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