My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Randomize
