You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Randomize
