On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
