Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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