Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
