I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
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