I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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