i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
