His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
