im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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