i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
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